I Hate Mel Kiper, Jr.
I hate Mel Kiper, Jr.
No, not like that because I’ve never met the ESPN NFL draft maven.
I don’t know his religious preference. Don’t know if he’s a dog or cat person. Don’t know what mousse he uses on his hair or whatever it is on top of his head.
All I know is when the NFL Draft approaches, Mel Kiper, Jr. is everywhere on ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN Classic, ESPNHD, ESPN International and I think he’s even on ESPN8, “The Ocho.”
Kiper goes on the various ESPN platforms to endlessly talk about the upcoming draft and who is a great player, who is a good player and who is a sleeper. He tells you what the needs are of every team in the NFL and how this draft compares to all other drafts.
He’s knowledgeable in a grating kind of way. He conveys his ideas in an I’m-a-college-professor-and-you-know-nothing kind of way.
See, I like Kiper for about five minutes, but when he starts profiling the 165th center or the 67th best punter or the best quarterback who’s never played the position since the eighth grade, my eyes start to glaze over and I start aimlessly feeling for the remote.
Must … change … channel …now.
Enough.
All I want to know is what does my NFL team need, and who’s out there to help.
Simple.
But with ESPN scheduled to begin their coverage at 7 am Saturday morning, it means Kiper will be everywhere for the two days of the draft.
When the Miami Dolphins, owners of the No. 1 pick overall, jumped the gun and signed Michigan defensive tackle Jake Long, I’m sure Kiper and every other draftnik had to revise their picks. I’m sure Kiper went into ultra hyper NFL info mode 2.0.
I just can’t watch.
When Mel Kiper, Jr. is on the tube, I feel the same way when the Mets Aaron Heilman is coming into to pitch with runners in scoring position.
Hey, where’s my Pepto?
With Heilman I have to watch because I’m a Mets fan. With Kiper, I dive for the remote. If you stare at him too long, you are toast. You ain’t going anywhere until ESPN moves on to the World’s Strongest Over 50-Year-Old Woman competition.
I forget who the talking head is for that show.
I just hate Mel Kiper, Jr. You do good work, but I can’t take you.
It’s nothing personal.
