Capital Letters

Chairman ManHandel-ed By Staffers

12/10/2010 3:22 PM

The FCC took aim at the cell phone industry and exhalted its chairman to the heavens (I hope everyone stood during the duration of the song) in the annual Christmas Carol parody sing-along, now in its 20th year.
It was a day for holiday parties at the commission, according to one staffer, including serenading commissioners and staff with the modified songs of the season.

Enjoy, unless you are CTIA or Verizon, in which case “grin and bear it.”

Carol of the Bills (Carol of the Bells)

Hark how the bills,
Mobile phone bills,
All seem to say,
Throw cash away.
Frustrating bills!
Maddening bills!
Charges ad hoc
Lead to bill shock.
I must complain, driven insane.
Mystery fees, make them stop please!
Texting limits surpassed by the thousands,
Roaming charges from the Virgin Islands!

The FCC
Says they’ll help me.
On the attack,
They’ve got my back.
Usage alerts,
More bill inserts,
Learn something new
From the EU.
Cop on the beat, nimble and fleet
Empower me, To be shock-free.
For the countless times Verizon screwed me,
They paid twenty-five mill to the Treasury.

CTIA
Says it’s OK.
They have the tools,
No need for rules.
Market still works
Just a few quirks.
Why act in haste?
Government waste!
With FCC, they disagree.
Survey’s all wrong, kids don’t belong.
Using words like “shock” will serve to inflame.
Think that “fun surprise” should be the new name.

How do I know
When I will go
Past my limit
By one minute?
What shall I do?
Don’t have a clue.
What must I think?
Need a Billshrink.

Just stay at home, where I can’t roam.
Throw out my phone, leave me alone!
Tired of all the unexpected payoffs.
Getting very, very, very ticked off!
How do I know?
Where will I go?
What shall I do?
Don’t have a clue.

Bills!

The Genachowski Chorus (The Hallelujah Chorus)

Genachowski! Genachowski! Genachowski! Genachowski! Genachowski!
Innovation! Ecosystem! Competition! Revolution! Genachowski!

Ev’ry fourth word I say’s about broadband!
Revolution! Ecosystem! Revolution! Ecosystem!
And all the rest are still about broadband!
Genachowski! Genachowski! Competition! Innovation!

The ecosystem shall expand throughout the mighty cloud.
Technology! Transparency!

And he shall bring robustness forever!
And he shall bring robustness forever!
And he shall bring robustness forever!
And he shall bring robustness forever!

Wonk of wonks!
Unleashing, unleashing! Genachowski! Genachowski!
And nerd of nerds!
More data! More data! Genachowski! Genachowski!
Internet!
Robustness! Robustness! Genachowski! Genachowski!
Neutrality!
Investment! Investment! Genachowski! Genachowski!
Broadband plan!
More broadband! More broadband! Genachowski! Genachowski!
Technology! Ubiquitous!
Broadband plan! Ubiquitous!

Wonk of wonks! And nerd of nerds!
Unleashing, forever! Unleashing, forever!

Genachowski! Genachowski! Innovation! Revolution! Genachowski! Genachowski!