Without many of us even
being aware of it, we have entered an
ominous period in our history.
To the untrained eye, it
may seem like nothing more
than the battle of the bimbos
— a showdown between Paris
Hilton’s show The World
According to Paris and season
six of Keeping Up With
Most of us will be delighted
to observe this competition
between these masters
of inanity. Who among us
can resist seeing so much
glitz and glamour and hairspray expended
in the name of selling fatuity
to the eager masses? This will be a
fight for the ages. It won’t be long before
they’re scratching each other’s
eyes out in testy Twitter exchanges.
The high-minded among us will revel
in this action, while the prurient few
froth in anticipation of Paris’ inevitable
sex-tape bid to save her ratings.
Sadly, the chances of this rivalry being
resolved through an oil wrestling
match remain rather distant despite
numerous suggestions for it.
The critical point to grasp here is
that there’s far more at stake than just
trash-TV supremacy or the travesty of
Paris launching a new show without a
sex tape. This isn’t just about who has
the biggest hair or the biggest boobs
or the smallest brain. This is about the
role of reality television in doing far
more than just entertaining us, misinforming
us and wasting our time.
This is about reality television redefi
ning who we are and what visions we
have for the future. This television cage
match will propel us into a new age —
the Age of Bimbocracy.
The Age of Bimbocracy will be an
enlightened one where no one will
have to do their homework and incorrect
answers will be accepted for full
points on Jeopardy! Obviously there’ll
be tax exemptions for all earnings on
sex tapes and Playboy
photo spreads. History
books will be rewritten
to correct mistakes
about what Paul Revere
was doing while he was
out on his late-night ride.
On a more substantive
level, America will finally
get a universal health
care plan although it will
cover only cosmetic procedures.
will be covered
only if it is caused by silicone exposure
from a faulty boob job.
Geeks will be returned to their
rightful place in the social hierarchy
by instituting a 99% tax on tech ventures
such as Google and Facebook.
This will eventually kill the American
tech industry, but in the short term
it will flood government coffers with
surplus cash, allowing us to pretend
that we have more money than we really
do, and don’t we love to do that?
Unfortunately there’ll be some losers
in this new landscape, the most
obvious being those bimbos who
toiled away for years at their self-indulgent
reality shows only to be considered
unfit for the presidency.
The experts are unanimous on
this issue — we have nothing to fear
from the Age of Bimbocracy. We are
all advised to get ourselves in front
of that television and soak up as
much of this battle of the bimbos as
possible so that when America becomes
the next Mexican state, we
can all tell our grandchildren that
we witnessed the start of this slide,
and we cheered it on.
Richard Buzzell is the author of the
Zombiestop blog, a satirical look at
the media landscape.